Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Not so sure


Finally I am back. My computer died a slow and agonizing death and we have moved on. Damnit.

We've had lots of hoopla in the last week or so. I herniated a disk and have been in various levels of discomfort for the past two weeks. My mom ended up in hospital for three days with we still don't know what. Thank God on my knees she is ok. Tears, yelling, the usual. I love that woman far too much. I got an excellent job review which has made my not so sure in to another Thank God my guardian angel steered me to this job. Last but not least my husband has changed jobs again for what we hope is the last time. My A friend's husband gave Michael a chance which we will always appreciate. Michael has said that this man has spoiled him for any other boss but that career path was not to be. He was not so sure as we can all be when we take a different path. He is still not so sure but feels good about the change. His only reserve was hurting this gentleman which I don't think has happened. Thank God for friends who understand.

I'm not so sure about many things lately. My son is starting to shake what I thought I knew about him. He is surprising me alot lately which I find exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. He is grasping things I didn't think he could. He is trying to act cool which never seemed to matter before. He is getting taller and taller and taller which I never thought would happen. I'm not so sure that I'm ready for him to change so much yet I can't wait for it to happen. We shall see.

I'm not so sure about life lately. I have questioned for some years the purpose of life. We come in to this world of mayhem and strife, fight to live and then die. Sounds like a rip off to me. We spend our time making memories, having experiences, getting through the day and for what ? When the time comes those memories go with us and none are the wiser. Our kids may chuckle now and again. Our spouses may reminisce about the time when such and such happened but really, what does it all matter ? I get very frustrated by the idea that I am fighting this fight for my son and in the end he will die. In the end I will die. And what will it have mattered ? We've had to fight this fight to get through a life that will end. I've often heard that believing in God will make this life worth living. I do believe in God. I believe in a higher power. But for some reason this question of the reason for life plagues me. I'm not so sure that it's always worth the fight. I get fed up with fighting.

I'm not so sure about many things. Today, I'm not so sure I want to write anymore. I've had so many good ideas over the past week and not been able to get them out. As therapeutic as it is - I'm not so sure it matters.

How's that for a happy thought ?

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Seriously....please tell Michael i am sooo happy for him. He deserves some good fortune! As for the "we live we die theory"....been of the same mindset before, and there is a point. Imagine all the great things you would have missed out onand imagine how much you would have never grown if you always had the thought--"whats the point"? Plus if you just laid around with all the fruit flies in your jammies every day for years on end....pondering such a complex question, I do fear you would really stink my friend. Even worse stink than at camp!!!!!