Friday, March 6, 2009

Is it MY turn yet ?


I've spent the last 10 years or so doing stuff for other people. Ok - actually more like 20 but we'll focus on the kid years as they tend to be more obvious suckers of life. I love my children completely but as my grey hairs will attest, they wear me out. I also have a small issue with guilt about being "selfish". Having said that, if you encroach on what I consider "me time", I will get very pissy. This usually involves reading which does not require me to leave the house. The problem is - my children expect me to be around all the time. They expect me to be at their beck and call. When I take time to go to a weekend conference or out for a night, I get guilt. I get grief. I get crap. My response is usually - hey now, what do I do for myself ? They can't usually come up with an answer but that doesn't seem to matter. If my fella and I go out for a night with friends, we are evil incarnate and abandoning our offspring. This though we leave them with movies, gummies and kisses. Ugh. So sad.

Now that brings up another point. Am I somehow adding to this situation by not going out more ? My husband doesn't mind. In fact he encourages it. He recognizes far better than I do that I need time out by myself. Yet when I want to go, I want them with me. Ugh. So sad. I love being with my family. They make me feel safe. I also can feel guilty if I go without them. Ugh. So sad. I've also had to put a lot of things on hold for my husband although not because he has asked me to. His apprenticeship training has been the main focus of our lives for the past four years. It is the ticket to a relatively secure future. It gives him a feeling of security and confidence which is worth every night of staying in. I am proud of him and will continue to support him as long as he needs it. Having said that, there had best be some kind of sparkly thing at the end of this adventure and I don't mean some knock off cubic zirconia.

My children get to go out. They get to have adventures. They get to go to their friends houses and play and yuck it up. I don't guilt them or give them crap. Hell, I drive them and wave nicely ! Why can't I be allowed to go play with my friends and not feel like Mommy Dearest ? Ugh. So sad.

So that brings me to the title of this little constructive catharthis. When will it be my turn ? When can I stop giving up my life to accomodate school and guides and scouts and whatever else needs to be done. When will I be able to go out and not feel bad that I'm not doing something for someone else ? Quite frankly a little foot stomping full out tantrum might be in order. Ugh. So sad.

No comments: