I Wouldn't Know What To Say ...

Well....

Ugh - this font issue is going to give me gray hairs. Oh look - it already has. Amazing.

My lizard is apparently focused on some intensely fascinating piece of I don't know what in his tank. He is stretched out straight up over his climbing wood and hasn't moved in a while. Maybe he has found his happy place. Mine is still Bora Bora ...

So after another game of catch up and get knocked back, I've decided I need to kick up this writing thing and make it happen. Are you not familiar with that game ? Let me enlighten you. This is the game where the gods of chance drop some money in your path. This can be a lucky lottery ticket, a generous relative, or in my case retroactive child tax benefits. Now as mentioned in blogs past, we are perpetually tight for money. Quite recently it was a huge decision if I could afford to buy shampoo. You get the idea. Well in this game, the gods drop this lovely bit of extra money in your path and then you sit and wait. What are you waiting for you ask ? Well the other shoe of course ! Because in this game is the whammy clause. Any money dropped in your path during times of lean income shall not be used for pleasure to help you deal with said lean times. Oh no - that would be against the rule of being perpetually tight for cash. When the money drops, so does the shoe and WHAMMY - something breaks. In my case, my computer is having anxiety attacks and the disk drive is apparently on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Thank God for my son's Cub leader who is also an IT and works for cookies and tea. Thank God I can bake like a demon with their tail on fire.

Needless to say, this has spurned me on to doing something about earning extra cash. Since I'm only down five pounds on my eating changes (aka diet - yeah for me !), swinging a pole is not an option. Plus I blush like crazy and get all goose pimply if it's breezy. Given what you wear when swinging a pole, I can guarantee this wouldn't generate much cash for me.

So I must do something. The question is, what do I talk about ? Who do I send my pearls of wisdom too ? What lord of the printing press must I dazzle with my humorous verbosity ? Well, I'm going to find out. Hopefully before both my computer and myself suffer from total breakdowns and lose the catch up get knocked back game by spending all our loot on a trip to somewhere warm. Bora Bora sounds nice ....

I Need to See a Boy About Some Clay ...

Well...

Have to get one shot in about my boy. He has gone loco in the cabasa over Lego and clay. If you are reading this via my Facebook page, have a look at his creations. This boy was recently given my brother's set of Lego from 1976. He recreated every image on the box with no instructions. EVERYTHING. And correctly I might add. He just has to be given a picture and he can recreate it. He has done just about the entire Simpson's cast out of plasticine with the most minutiae of detail. And this boy has what they call Fine Motor Visual Integration issues ! Bascially his brain is not supposed to be able to tell his hands what to do. Well apparently his brain has finally decided to start doing something right and his hands are going like mad things !

If anyone has any ideas about how we can parlay this into a career, I am all ears. Anyone work for Disney, Pixar or any other place like that ? Have I got a future claymation specialist for you !

What's A Woman To Do ?

Well..

Lately this blog has turned more into a venue for personal reflection than about my A Child but I have stuff on him too. Right now it's about me.

Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to go through a mid-life crisis ? I'm not sure what freaks me out more. The thought of having the crisis or accepting that I'm approaching middle age. I mean 40 would essentially be middle age and that is only next year so I'm not too far off the mark.

Lately I have been wondering what can I do to change my life ? I don't mean dramatically although if the 649 happened to pay out I wouldn't say no to a new house. What I mean is, how can I make it better ? Not just for me but my family. I've been throwing around career ideas mainly. The rest of my life I like. I am creative and have an outlet for that with my cakes and garden. I am contemplative and have an outlet for that with my books and friends. I tend to be more of a chief than indian and I have an outlet for that with Guides. Thank God for 9-11 year olds who still listen and a team that tolerates me !

I have many facets of my personality that I have outlets for except for work. I am trapped in plebian jobs that lead essentially no where. I don't tend to climb ladders or get promoted. I tend to buck the system and remain a staunchly independent thinker which does not usually fit well in the corporate mould. Right now I am in what is possibly the best job I've ever had. I work for Girl Guides of Canada and I love it. I love working for a company that I can share the same values and goals with. I love working with people who share ideas and creative processes. I love that we are challenged to think outside the box. I love that we are valued as people for the support we provide to Guiders and girls. I love knowing that I am part of an organization which has delivered quality program and activities for close to 100 years. That is mind blowing. 100 years !

What I don't love is the money. It is becoming about the money for me. I need to find a way to be true to myself but make more money. I cannot sell out. I cannot stand up for a product or service that I don't believe in. It destroys me when I try. This job lifts me up and I can hold my head high. What it's not lifting is my income bracket.

Hence my dilemma. Do I sacrifice this amazing opportunity to help provide fantastic program to girls in a world gone image and consumer crazy ? Do I give up on working for the greater good and go for the greater paycheque ? Isn't there a way to have both ? I am frozen in indecision. I am caught between the ideals I can live with and the money I can't live on. When my husband gets back on his feet, these thoughts may abate. He will make fantastic money once he gets his ticket. I can't wait! However, it gets me to thinking - maybe I need to find a ticket. Maybe I need to find a way to do both. Is there a way to keep my job that I love and make the money I need to live on ?

Maybe the challenge is for me to believe in myself as much as I believe in my job. Maybe the challenge is to know that I am capable of more. Maybe the challenge is to take a chance on something I've been trying to do for a long time but have been afraid. Maybe it's time to give this writing thing a shot in the real world and not just cyberspace. Maybe - but what's a woman to do ?

I Sometimes Wonder

Well....

I still can't seem to get that font thing right. Oh well, one can't be skilled in all things.

I sometimes wonder about the lives we lead. Are they meant to be for us or somehow have we stumbled into someone else's reality ? I look back on my life and think, "Really? This is what I have accomplished ? Hmmm, how disappointing." I've often thought I was meant to be doing much more with my life. I have done a lot. I have done exciting things. I have been extremely fortunate to have the kids I've always wanted to have. I have been extraordinarily fortunate to have a husband who accepts me the way I am. As one friend recently pointed out, I am a colossal bitch. His laughter could be heard through the phone from quite a distance when I said, "Of course and I'm good with that". But now I wonder, am I really ?

Is being a colossal bitch really worth not getting ahead ? Is being a colossal bitch really helping me to accomplish anything worthwhile ? I sometimes wonder how much being who I am holds me back from being who I could be. I sometimes wonder if remaining true to myself is really worth all the effort. Is being honest and hardworking what I need to be happy ? Could I live a life that I had stolen from someone else ? I sometimes wonder if I could.

I wonder what it would be like to just say, stuff you charlie I'm taking what's mine and you can't have any. I wonder what it's like to go through life with no conscience. Does it make people happy to only live for themselves and to ignore the "greater good" ? I wonder if they are able to sleep peacefully in their beds or do they toss and turn and worry like I do ?

I've been thinking alot lately about what to do with this life I have. I need it to work for me. I need it to work for my family. I need to be able to live with myself at the end of the day. I wonder how much I'll need to change in order to have a different life. I wonder if a different life would really be any better than the one I have now. I think I have a good life. I think I live in a meaningful way and yet I can't help but wonder what else there is for me to do ?

I've been exploring doing some kind of writing. I've been exploring getting into a different career. I've been wondering what else I am capable of and would anyone else believe in me enough so that I could try this new life. I know my husband believes in me. I know my kids believe in me. Of course my mom believes in me but she is biased. In fact so far all my examples of people believing in me are biased but I guess that is a good thing. I wonder about the people who don't have that belief and support system. Do they succeed in spite of it all or cave and live a life not worthy of themselves.

I sometimes wonder if I am too chicken to have another life. I wonder if it's what I should do or should be that really matters. I wonder if I would fail or succeed ? That's probably why I am still exploring. If I don't try and just stick to wondering, then I don't have to worry about failing or succeeding, I can just "explore" non committally and bump along for a few more years as my life drifts along.

I think what I need to do is stop wondering and try. I need to see if I can try to make the life that I should have. I need to move forward and find a way to be me and still succeed. I have the potential to shine if I will only turn on the light.

I sometimes wonder where to find the light switch ....