I Sometimes Wonder

Well....

I still can't seem to get that font thing right. Oh well, one can't be skilled in all things.

I sometimes wonder about the lives we lead. Are they meant to be for us or somehow have we stumbled into someone else's reality ? I look back on my life and think, "Really? This is what I have accomplished ? Hmmm, how disappointing." I've often thought I was meant to be doing much more with my life. I have done a lot. I have done exciting things. I have been extremely fortunate to have the kids I've always wanted to have. I have been extraordinarily fortunate to have a husband who accepts me the way I am. As one friend recently pointed out, I am a colossal bitch. His laughter could be heard through the phone from quite a distance when I said, "Of course and I'm good with that". But now I wonder, am I really ?

Is being a colossal bitch really worth not getting ahead ? Is being a colossal bitch really helping me to accomplish anything worthwhile ? I sometimes wonder how much being who I am holds me back from being who I could be. I sometimes wonder if remaining true to myself is really worth all the effort. Is being honest and hardworking what I need to be happy ? Could I live a life that I had stolen from someone else ? I sometimes wonder if I could.

I wonder what it would be like to just say, stuff you charlie I'm taking what's mine and you can't have any. I wonder what it's like to go through life with no conscience. Does it make people happy to only live for themselves and to ignore the "greater good" ? I wonder if they are able to sleep peacefully in their beds or do they toss and turn and worry like I do ?

I've been thinking alot lately about what to do with this life I have. I need it to work for me. I need it to work for my family. I need to be able to live with myself at the end of the day. I wonder how much I'll need to change in order to have a different life. I wonder if a different life would really be any better than the one I have now. I think I have a good life. I think I live in a meaningful way and yet I can't help but wonder what else there is for me to do ?

I've been exploring doing some kind of writing. I've been exploring getting into a different career. I've been wondering what else I am capable of and would anyone else believe in me enough so that I could try this new life. I know my husband believes in me. I know my kids believe in me. Of course my mom believes in me but she is biased. In fact so far all my examples of people believing in me are biased but I guess that is a good thing. I wonder about the people who don't have that belief and support system. Do they succeed in spite of it all or cave and live a life not worthy of themselves.

I sometimes wonder if I am too chicken to have another life. I wonder if it's what I should do or should be that really matters. I wonder if I would fail or succeed ? That's probably why I am still exploring. If I don't try and just stick to wondering, then I don't have to worry about failing or succeeding, I can just "explore" non committally and bump along for a few more years as my life drifts along.

I think what I need to do is stop wondering and try. I need to see if I can try to make the life that I should have. I need to move forward and find a way to be me and still succeed. I have the potential to shine if I will only turn on the light.

I sometimes wonder where to find the light switch ....