Wednesday, August 29, 2007

My Friends


I've done it. I've told my friends my dirty little secret. I shared my blog. I wasn't going to share it with anyone but somehow it has become easier. They are my oldest friends in the world. If anyone "gets" me, they do.

Most of the time I don't give a rat's butt what people think of me. Like me, don't like me - eh. If you are stupid, I tell you. It might be subtle but you will know. If I like you, I tell you. Not so subtle but you will know. I am very black and white. My friends would say that about me. Here's what else I think they'd say:

She is crazy.
She is a great baker.
She shouts too much at her kids.
She is too hard on herself.
She loves large.
She has a big heart.
She hates being called Lizzie.
She is smart.
She is kind.
She can be mean.
She loves me.
She worries too much.
She thinks too much.
She bakes too much.
Well, they probably wouldn't say that as they do like my baking. But you never know.
She is creative.
She is negative.
She can be abrasive.
She can be witty.
She is funny.
She is my friend.

I have often wondered why my friends are my friends. It has always astounded me. I have never felt worthy. I have always been afraid that I will push them away or they will discover that I am not really worth hanging on to. My other dirty little secret. My friends were capable of crushing my heart. What a load to put on someone. What power I gave away.

As I age, I have taken some of the power back. I don't think they knew they had it but maybe they did and it's been their secret. I still love them. I still admire them. I still smile when I think of them. They are deep in my heart for always. But it doesn't crush me as it once did if they don't call. It doesn't hurt me as it once did if they go out without me. I used to take that all so personally and painfully. I felt like I wasn't worthy and they agreed. I don't think they ever knew or if they did, they kept it quiet. Just a part of being my friend - accepting my insecurities.

Friends that I have made as an adult - they don't have the same power and probably never will. I have made these friends when I was at a much better place in my life. They are based on different things and different needs. I can let people come and go now and accept it much easier. Change was never my friend.

I have grown so much as have my friends. We have grown up together. I visit them now and again as we were. I don't think I dwell in the past as some people do but I still like to hash out the old days sometimes. My friends were my escape. They are the only good memories that I have from growing up. They never shouted. Never hit. Never silenced me with a look. Never called me stupid. They accepted me as I was. I didn't have to worry as much around them. I could be free to be me.

My friends. They will never know what they have given me even if they do read this. My friends now have no idea what they have to measure up against.

If I love you, I will tell you. It might be subtle, but you will know.

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