Sunday, September 9, 2007

One to Another


My boy. The subject of most of my blogs and most of my thoughts.

My boy is growing up. He actually talked back to me tonight - kind of cool.

Thomas has always been very aquiescent, very apologetic, very fearful of me. Not that I am proud of that per se, but it has made life easier. Not proud of that either. I was raised on a healthy dose of fear of my parents - mostly my dad but mom had a mean way with a slipper as well. Overall, Thomas has been easy to manage discipline wise. I think part of that is Aspergers and part is just who he is. We have tried as parents not to do some of the things that our parents did. We do not argue about our kids in front of them. We do not allow them to play us off one another. We do not allow them to see us divided. We support one another but also call each other on behaviour that might not have been a good choice. My kids have always seen that.

My parents never apologised if they were out of line. They never explained what the real problem was but just expected me to get it. My parents did not discuss my behaviour or why it was wrong, they just told me it was. My parents never explained things to me when I asked questions. Until I was an adult and the scars were healed, they never said they were sorry.
These are some of the things I have decided to change.

I explain to my kids why their behaviour is inappropriate. I explain to my kids why they are being punished or discuss it with them so they know why I am angry. My kids have to think things through if only for that moment. They have to take immediate and appropriate responsibility for their actions as I do as well. If I am out of line and reacting out of proportion dut to stress or being tired, I will say I am sorry and why. If they ask a question, I try to answer it. If they question why they are being punished, it is very rare they hear "Because I said so".

I see my growth as a parent and now I see the growth of my son. I changed some things about how I was raised and kept others. Some good, some not so much. My son has kept his sweetness. My son still gives me kisses and doesn't squawk when I give him hugs and cuddles. My son isn't embarrassed to call me Momma although I cringe when he does it at school. For him, not me. To me it is music. My boy. My heart.

We are both changing as he grows. I am trying to remember to cherish this time. Something I don't think my father ever did. He waited to get to know us when we became what he considered an adult never knowing that two years was all he was going to have left. I learned from that. I know the heartache of losing a parent young. I know the pain of wondering what could have been and why didn't he love me enough as a child. I remember this when I don't want to read a story. I remember this when I don't want to play a game. I remember this when my boy drives me bendy. I remember that I don't want my children to ever question how much they are loved. I remember that I don't want my children to ever have regrets that I didn't spend enough time with them. I have gone from one to another.

I see my son grown. I hear him start to test his limits. Late for some kids at 9. Right on time for him. I will remember this time. I will remember that it is a sign that he is maturing - something Aspergers kids do late. I will remember that he is growing from one to another and smile. My boy. My heart. Whatever will I do the day I realize he has become a man ? I will remember the day he started to talk back and smile. And I will thank God I was here to see it.

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